Mincemeat Pies are a very important British Dessert that is eaten at Christmas. They have no actual meat in them, the name is very misleading. You'll see. Ok, let's do this!
Step 1 – Drink three Aperol Spritzes. Omit soda water.
Step 2 – Feel nostalgic for British Christmas. Eat 7 Quality Streets. This will not fill the yearning. Thusly, it is time. Time for Mince Pies!*
*Because you are British, ingredients for this should exist in your home, as it is the holidays.
Step 3 – Look up recipe in most British cookbook you own - Happy Days with the Naked Chef by Jamie Oliver
Step 4 – Recipe is not in there. THAT IS SOME NONSENSE, JAMIE. NONSENSE, I SAY.
Step 5 – Quell Anger. Still love you, Jamie.
Step 6 - Start with your pastry. It should be puff pastry, but whatevs. It’s fine.
Step 7 - Use your Cookie Cutters to cut circles. If no cookie cutters exist in your humble home, use your “Gay Dolphin” shot glass as a substitution.
Step 8 - Throw in that Mincemeat. Then, egg wash and sugar. This is barely cooking, people. (And this is the most difficult step.)
Step 9 - Call mother because you do not know how long mince pies go in oven for. Receive helpful advice.
Step 10 – Aww, minceys are supes cutes. Admire, and photograph (as seen below)
Step 10 – Oh shit, did that step twice. Keeping it for prosperity? Posterity? You know what I'm talking about.
Step 11 – Cook batch two, which should be incomplete, as you have run out of pastry.
Step 12 – Remember that this blog exists.
Step 13 – Tell Beard that you are too tired from making mince pies and make him cook you dinner. He will oblige, as he has had one large beer and three glasses of pink wine.
Step 14 – Take Round 2 pies out of oven. Pies will resemble mini quiches in form, but not in flavor.
Step 15 – Pies will pair nicely with a Petite Syrah (?) so open that shit up and let it breathe.
Step 16 – Nom on pies. Fill up before dinner Beard has been cooking is ready, and then tell him you are no longer hungry. Don’t worry, he still loves you. (Because of the pink wine.)
Step 17 – Pro Tip – mince pies will taste better if you eat them next to the exercises your personal trainer told you to do while he is on vacation*
*You did not do them.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, and thank you to the 73 of your who still visit this blog on a weekly basis. I'll write it again, one day. Maybe.
Hey, guess what? I’m back! With booze.
A terrible thing happened to trigger this blog post's inception. I ran out of wine, and I really didn’t want to put on pants to go get some. And also it was raining. I really had no choice. I had to turn to liquor. I know.